Your Marriage Can Survive the Loss of a Child

The loss of a child is the most unthinkable tragedy that can happen to a marriage. It defies our understanding of the natural order of things. Children are supposed to outlive their parents, not the other way around.

When a child's death occurs it is believed that most marriages will die with it. This isn't true. Recent studies have found that only sixteen percent of marriages end in divorce after the death of a child. And in those instances less than half of the people involved felt that the child's death was a contributing factor to the dissolution of their marriage. The bond and commitment of the marriage actually helps each partner to survive the tragedy through their shared experience of it.

The first six months after the loss of a child are the most crucial in the survival of the marriage. Understanding a few important strategies may help to maintain, and actually strengthen, your marriage.

1. Understand the five stages of grief and try not to become stuck in one stage forever. The stages are shock, denial, anger, depression and acceptance. For many people it is easy to stay in the anger or depression stages, so know what they are so you can try to move on to the last stage, acceptance. If you find yourself unable to move on, see a grief counselor or family therapist for help.

2. Realize that men and women grieve differently. Men tend to hide their pain and want to try to fix problems. Women express themselves more emotionally and just want to feel. Understand that both of you are feeling the same pain, only differently. Communication between couples is crucial in understanding each other's feelings and learning to move on together.

3. Try not to play the blame game. When a child dies at birth or from an illness or accident it may seem easier to blame the doctor, each other, or even God rather than face the loss. Blame will only hurt you and your marriage more. Focus on the loss and how to deal with it instead of finding blame.

4. Experience the pain. Many people tend to hide from the pain instead of facing it. Don't be afraid to feel the pain of your loss and share it with each other. Talk about your child, express your feelings of loss, guilt, anger, or confusion. Acceptance of your child's death cannot come until you've experienced all of your feelings, and by sharing them you will find comfort in each other.

Once you are able to accept your child's death don't be afraid to move on with your life. Sometimes parent's feel it isn't fair for them to enjoy life when their child's life has been taken away. You do deserve to be happy, both separately and as a couple. Of course you will never forget or stop missing your child, but you can learn to live with your loss and enjoy a happy and loving marriage.