Your Relationships and Coping with Chronic Illness

Marriage: This chronic illness business is tough on a marriage! I want to urge you to find new ways to cherish your spouse in spite of your limitations. Start going on "dates" together if you're not already in that habit. Perhaps you can't be as active anymore, but you could go to a movie, or out to eat. Make it a point to talk and communicate and reconnect. If you can't afford to do even that (doctor's bills are high!), there are many ways to have a date at no cost. It's the commitment to spend time alone with each other that's important. It could be as simple as a picnic in the yard. Ask someone to babysit if you need to. This is important! Your spouse has probably picked up a lot of slack since you've become ill and he/she needs to know you appreciate it.

As I said in part 2, create a peaceful atmosphere for your spouse at home. Don't hit him with all the conflicts of the day and problems he needs to solve the minute he walks in the door. First, kiss him, get him a drink, even rub his shoulders. Let him share his day with you if he wants. Give him time to unwind and change gears before letting him know what you need from him.

Make your bedroom a haven. Try to keep the clutter to a minimum. Decorate with warm colors. This will help you both individually and with your relationship to each other.

Children: What a blessing from the Lord children are! Don't mourn over your inability to be the mom or dad you thought you were going to be. Your illness gives your children an opportunity for great spiritual growth. It has been very hard for me to look at all the things I'm not able to do for and with my children. However, the most important thing for my children to learn is how to have a relationship with God. And I can teach them that even from bed if necessary. In the early days of my illness, I concentrated on training my children to be obedient and to be helpful. Since I wouldn't be able to chase them down, it was important that they obey quickly and cheerfully. In case you think this is unrealistic, let me assure you, it can be done. I did it! A wonderful resource for this whole area is www.nogreaterjoy.org.

As for being helpful, they have been a great blessing to me in this area. As little ones, they learned to get their own lunch and I made sure there were plenty of supplies to make that easy. They have a list of chores suited to their abilities. These things are very good for their character development. They are also learning how to cook and bake. They will need these skills as adults! Rest assured, I have made sure there is always a balance between work and play. My children have always had lots of free time for play, and also plenty of involvement in activities that interest them, such as 4-H.

Extended Family: I hope you are blessed with relatives living close enough to visit. I have experienced a widely-separated family on my side, and a close-to-home family on my husband's side. I've learned that it is wonderful to have grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. living close enough to visit often. Your illness can be a learning experience for them as well. My mother-in-law has been a reliable babysitter and has willingly helped me in any area for which I may ask help. I will forever be grateful to her for her help! If your relatives are not helpful or do not understand your condition, pray for them! Not so that they'll help you, but simply for their own good.

My side of the family is widely separated by distance, but we try to maintain a good relationship through letters, phone, and e-mail. They bless me by supporting and encouraging me, praying for me, and even sometimes with gifts of money! I thank God for them and for our love for each other.

Others: You will have to be careful not to over-extend yourself in your friendships. Just as with family, be open and honest, but not whiny, about your limitations. Explain that you can't entertain or visit like you once did. Find new ways to stay connected, perhaps by phone or e-mail. Ask them to be understanding if you don't return a phone call or answer an e-mail right away. You may be having a worse-than-usual day and need to utilize that answering machine! Here again, you can be a witness to others about God's ability to sustain you in hardship. Your friends and neighbors can learn from your experiences if you're open and honest with them.

God can use your illness to teach those around you some important life lessons. Be willing to be used by Him.

The next article will address lifestyle changes.