Your Teen Daughter is Pregnant: How Do You Deal with It?

Throughout life, we encounter many things that are stressful to our families. Health concerns, finances, changes in our surroundings - the list of stressful things often seems endless. Perhaps one of the most disturbing stress factors that can affect the modern-day family is teen pregnancy. Children having children has always been an issue but, as of late, the sheer volume of teenage pregnancies has become a startling reality - where it was once a scandalous rarity, teen parents are becoming increasingly popular.

So how do you cope with a teenage pregnancy? To be honest, there is no easy or surefire way to deal with your child's pregnancy. However, there are some important things to keep in mind, that can often help you to put things in perspective. If you've just discovered that your teenager is pregnant, take a deep breath and look to these helpful hints for dealing with the stress and strain of teenage pregnancy.

Communication

Perhaps the most important thing that you can do at this time, is to talk to your child. Communication is essential, not only to find out the facts, but also to establish trust and provide a sense of security. As a parent, finding out that your teen is pregnant is probably very shocking. You may be experiencing feelings of anger and disappointment. These feelings are common; you raised her better than this, you told her to be more careful - but it's important to work through these feelings and face the facts - while this may not have been what you wanted for your child, it can't be undone. For the well-being of your daughter, the baby, and for yourself, you need to get past your anger. You need to let go of your disappointment and find positive things to focus on; both of you will need this in the long run.

When I learned that my own teenage daughter was pregnant, not only did I experienced feelings of anger and disappointment, but there were also feelings of betrayal, guilt and shame. It's very likely that you're dealing with feelings as well, but it's very important to work past these emotions. We wonder how this can happen - Were we not there enough or did we miss something that our daughter was lacking in her life? Where did we go wrong? The answer is that you didn't.

Teenage pregnancies occur in all social classes, and they happen regardless of whether one or both parents are in the home. Your daughter can still get pregnant, whether she's an honor student or one who struggles in her classes. It's not 'bad' girls who are getting pregnant - it's everyone's little girl, no matter how well you raise her. While you might feel that you should have done more, or you may feel ashamed that your teenage daughter is pregnant, focusing on such things serves no purpose. Right now, you and your daughter need each other. It's time to work together.

Choices

Perhaps the hardest decision that your child will have to make and, quite possibly, the most difficult thing to help your child through, is what to do now. What are her options and how will each of these things affect her? At this point, you will need to sit down and calmly discuss the choices that are available to her - adoption, abortion, or keeping the baby. While you may have your own strong feelings about some of these options, it's important to discuss all of them with your daughter and ensure that she knows how each may affect her and the possible repercussions of each option. You can help educate her in these decisions and you can be supportive of her choices but, ultimately, this is her decision that she will have to make on her own.

The Father's Role

Equally important, you must remember one vital thing - not only is this your daughter's choice, but there is also a father to take into consideration in this matter. Don't forget that he should have an active say in the choices that will be made. How is his family handling it? It may be beneficial to talk to them as well.

During this time, it's important to be diplomatic and supportive. Just as you are feeling an overload of emotions, these teenagers are probably feeling the same, if not more. Remember that your children are probably scared and uncertain - it's important to re-establish trust at this point. Be your child's confidante - they are going to need you in the months that follow, regardless of the choices they make.

Health Care

Regardless of what choice your children make, your daughter is going to need to go and see a doctor at some point - the sooner, the better. Teenager's bodies are still growing, still maturing, and are not yet fully ready for pregnancy. This is why it's essential that your daughter starts going to the doctor as soon as you discover she's pregnant - she will need to be checked out, to ensure everything's alright, and she will probably be placed on prenatal vitamins, which will ensure she's getting an adequate amount of folic acid and calcium to keep both her and the baby healthy.

Visiting the doctor will also provide your daughter with a third person to discuss her pregnancy with, as well as her options. Quite often, teenagers find that speaking with a neutral adult is much easier than speaking to one's parents about what is bothering them. Equally nice, is that a doctor can give your child educated and factual answers to their questions, while providing an impartial sounding board.

Equally important is the need to discuss safe-sex practices with your child. Many children mistakenly think that pregnancy means that you can now engage in sex without having to use a condom. Be sure to stress to your child, the continued risk of sexually transmitted diseases and how, they can not only hurt them, but can harm their unborn baby as well.

An Information Network

Knowledge is power, and this situation is no exception. Help your child gather information and answer questions. She's bound to be curious, as well as scared, of what is to come. Share with her your experiences with your own pregnancy, your childbirth and stories of her as she was growing up. You can buy her every text and parenting guide in the bookstore, but listening to someone and having them answer questions can often provide far more information, in a more realistic and understandable format, than simply reading a book. I know I learned to appreciate many of my own mother's ideas as things progressed and I find my daughter often calling me for advice!

A Little Tough Love

It's important, with a teenage pregnancy, to be supportive but to also prepare them for the harsh dose of reality that they've dealt themselves. Discuss their plans for the future and how they attempt to accomplish said goals. While it's fine to be supportive, also ensure that your child knows that the enormity of what is to come. Discuss, with them, plans for employment and how they intend to support their child. Talk to them about their goals and ideals for the future. Discuss schooling and how much you're willing and able to help out.

It's fine to be supportive without shouldering all the responsibility yourself.

Love Your Child

Parenting is all about unconditional love and this is something important for you to remember, as well as something important to instill upon your child. We all make mistakes - none of us are perfect. What makes us humans so wonderful, is that we realize our mistakes and look to improve them. Ensure that your child knows that, no matter what, you will always love her and you will love your grandbaby as well. Regardless of how they are conceived, children are a blessing - We should love every one, unconditionally.

So let's recap:

1. Get Rid of the Guilt - Negative emotions only complicate matters
2. Set Up Communications - Build trust and communicate with your child
3. Help Her Understand - Help your child get rid of her feelings of guilt and shame
4. Discuss Choices - Help your daughter make educated choices about her pregnancy
5. Don't Forget Daddy - Include the father and his family whenever possible
6. Healthcare Now - A checkup and prenatal vitamins are a priority
7. A Second Safe-Sex Talk - Discuss the importance of continued safe-sex practices
8. The Information Network - Help your child learn about what's to come
9. The Tough Love - Don't be afraid to discuss what the future holds and discuss plans
10. The Unconditional Love - Above and beyond, love conquers all

A teenage pregnancy can be a very trying event on any parent or family, but these 10 steps can help take a great deal of stress out of the initial shock. Stay positive!

Sources:

Personal experiences, as a teen mother and as the mother of a teenage parent
Krishna Wood White, MD When Your Teen is Having a Baby
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/resources/birthdata/2007_Teen_Birth_Rate_summary.pdf