You're Doing it Wrong

The sobs are coming. The body is shaking. Alas, your baby or toddler lets out a scream that cracks your glasses and scares the birds away. Raising a child is a full time job, a job that requires a plethora of patience that some parents just don't seem to have. Rather than spoil your child with various amenities and giving him or her everything he or she wants, make sure your child knows what you mean when you say "no". Allowing a child to reinforce bad behaviors because of the leniency of parents is only a recipe for disaster later on.

The way you raise your children is up to you; after all you are the boss of things. But whether you are a lenient parent or an extremely strict one, be sure to strike a balance between the two from time to time so as to keep your child (and you yourself) on track. There are two ways to raise a child: An authoritative style which stresses "obedience to authority" and "My child listens to me no matter what," and a permissive style that allows for freedom of behavior in pretty much every setting. Both of these styles exerted in an excessive fashion can lead to repercussions later on.

If you as parents are overly bossy, your child may grow up to be timid, shy, and rather precarious of things other children accept freely. A child who has been told what to do and when to do it all his life will be reluctant to try new things as well as make decisions for himself. So unless you want to be deciding what car he should buy and who he should marry, make sure to allow him decision making capabilities once in a while, but insert your constructive criticism here and there to produce improvements as he slowly begins to understand what is right and what is wrong.

On the other hand, parents who let children run loose like animals in a jungle aren't being very responsible - and children WILL run loose like they're in a jungle until they are told to stop. Without setting any limits, you run the risk of your children growing up to not have any respect for authority and becoming overly spoiled. An exact reversal to the authoritative style, look for your child to create problems for you later on.

So your child has some type of disciplinary problem - he keeps hitting the neighbor's kid, or he pees on your doors, or he marks all over the wall with magic marker. Whatever it be, make sure your child knows that for each wrong act he or she commits, there will be predictable consequences. Many of the teachings of younger children revolve around immediate rewards or immediate punishments. Disciplining your child should be no different, as this will provide a logic system in his or her brain linking action to consequence (similar to that of Pavlov's Dogs) that will define your child's "right and wrong" system as he or she grows.

Children are smart - they know that if they keep whining and u give them what they want, they will whine another 1000 times and most likely get 1000 other things. So unless you plan on dealing with fidgeting, whining, crying, and temper tantrums on a daily basis, make sure to catch your baby early on. It can be hard for some parents as they must endure the heartwrenching sobs and the nickel-sized teardrops, but learn to ignore these signs, as they are most likely ways to get your attention or get you to agree to something you know you shouldn't agree to. Of course, this is not to say that every time your child makes a fuss that he or she should be ignored. Every situation is different, so use your intuition as to whether you should take disciplinary measures or not.

Effectively being able to target your child in every situation requires planning ahead. As a parent, your immediate instinct is to usually attack your child or say something degrading if he or she did something wrong. Something like "I am mad that you threw your clothes in the trashcan!" will only promote arguing, as it seems like you are saying something accusatory. Establish that you are angry that you child did something wrong for whatever reason, but state it in a way that doesn't immediately target your child and make him or her defensive. If you buy a set of magic markers, you already know the possibilities of such toys, as you know the capabilities of your child the best. So think about what you are going to say and the punishments beforehand.

When it comes to voicing your commands, never repeat what you said more than twice. This will drown out the meaning of what you are saying, hence enforcing the fact in your child's mind that what you're saying really isn't important and that he or she can ignore it. Slowly, your child will become immune to whatever it is you have to say, leading to disciplinary troubles later on when he or she deals with other adults. Voice your opinion at most twice then tell them what the punishment will be if they don't listen.

Violence is another issue that needs to be addressed. Whatever you do, never use physical force to hit your child. At such a young age, something like physical violence can provide a bad set of ground rules that your child may think is okay to replicate in public. Your child may grow up thinking that hitting others is something normal, which in reality will sooner or later get him or her thrown in jail. If you ever have to use force to pry your child away from something or reinforce what you have to say, make sure it is a "moving" action or a firm action. Blunt Force Trauma only makes sure that he or she will fail Algebra later on. And besides, if you do discipline correctly from a young age, you most likely won't ever have to use force.

The last (and possibly most crucial) aspect of disciplining your child is the reward system. In order to encourage good behavior, it is imperative that your child has a sense of what makes you proud and what doesn't. For example, you can say "I like it when you help other children." This is better than a plain "great job," because it instills values that are specific to a certain situation. Over time, these small praises all add up and your child will have a sense of what is correct and what isn't. Establishing good behavior must have some type of positive connotation such as making chores a game, or giving your child the independence to choose between taking a bath now or later (but he must take it). Something like this will not only give your child the feeling of freedom, independence, and fun, it will also get them to do whatever it is you want them to do.

One more issue that needs to be addressed is this "time-out" thing. Time-out just doesn't work. It serves no purpose besides getting your child out of your hair for whatever period you set him or her in the corner facing the wall. Parents often say things like "You take time to think about what you did," something a child will most likely not do as they don't yet understand the values of time. As adults we realize that our time is limited and that we won't live forever. Children don't think that way. If anything, your child would rather count how many dots are on the ceiling rather than think about what they did wrong. If this is the only method of punishment you offer, your child will slowly adjust to "time-out" by doing other things such as sneaking in comics, or making even more trouble for you. What's the worst that could happen, he thinks? Sit on a stool in the corner? Been there, done that. Punishment or consequences must be administered specific to certain situations. Unless you want your child to have sufficient preparation to know what it is like to sit in a jail cell, toss the "time-out" concept.

The most important thing to remember is to care for and encourage your child in a positive way by laying out ground rules and helping him or her develop a conscience. Understand that parenting and helping a child grow is something that you must coach, not instill. It is up to your child to decide what kind of person he wants to be, but he will base his decisions on the foundation you have laid out.