You're Stupid

The big story on the news a few days ago was that tanning beds cause cancer.

Reeeeally?

Even if I hadn't heard that a thousand times before, the fact that you're being zapped with high concentrations of the same rays that cause cancer when you're out in the sun was a damn good clue.

Every so often we get these Scare Stories thrown at us, most of which are really just regurgitated versions of the same things that have been spooking us from newsrooms for years. Did you know-hold on to your hats, now-that eating foods high in fat and cholesterol can make your body high in fat and cholesterol? Sure enough. If you eat enough Double Triple Angus Burgers with Extra Cheese and Bacon, there's a pretty good chance you're going to end up shaped about like the Sta-Puf Marshmallow man, and the junk in your veins will bear an uncanny resemblance to Crisco.

Texting while driving is dangerous! Yup, going sixty miles an hour in a two ton pile of steel while looking down at the buttons on a tiny cell phone can kill you. Who would have guessed?

Teenagers send naughty pictures of themselves to each other if you let them have unlimited cell phone access and computers in their room! Imagine that, when left to their own devices and are left unchecked, kids do things they shouldn't. Experts say to keep the computer in a public room in the house and to monitor their web surfing and cell phone use. Seems to me all it would take to be an expert here is to have an IQ over sixty and have given birth to something you've successfully raised to adolescence. It's not an epidemic of lowered teenage morals, it's an epidemic of idiot parents who refuse to believe their kids can do anything wrong.

Speaking of epidemics, beware the Pig Flu! All over the world, the "highly lethal" Swine Flu caused people to break out the masks and pull their kids out of school. Okay, first of all, having a couple healthy, bored kids out of school and home with you all day will kill you way faster than any old Pig Flu will. And second of all, people die of the flu every year. That's why so many people run out and get inoculated against a strain that may or may not show up this year, and oh yeah, the vaccine might not exactly work. Of course, people die of lots of things, but if you can get a semi-effective shot that might keep you from getting a strain of something that might exist, you'd be a fool not to. The fact that the Swine Flu is no more deadly than other strains is apparently irrelevant: the big scare is that there is no vaccine for it.

We as a nation are no longer capable of developing our own fears; they are fed to us, vomited into our mouths from those of smiling news anchors. We are told what music is good by a team of panelists on a prime-time talent show; we watch slack-jawed and gleeful, vicarious bullies, as the less-"talented" (talent being highly subjective, apparently) contestants are taunted and ridiculed by the almighty Judges. Even our political opinions, morals, and ability to sniff out bullshit are assumed to be woefully inadequate, as evidenced by the big-screen political debut of Sarah Palin, whose campaign slogan should have been "Hey, ladies, vote with your vaginas!" She sure as hell didn't have anything of substance to offer. Now, I'm all about us ladies sticking together, but if you're that obviously stupid, I'm not voting for you, no matter what you have in your panties.

The news is a garish mosaic of horror, old news that wasn't really news the first time around, and the vilification and idolization of people that someone else has decided are worth paying attention to. Do Mark Sanford's penile adventures really affect his ability to govern? Hell no. Did Palin deserve even thirty seconds of air time? Only as a running joke on SNL. Do we need 24 hour coverage of the death of a has-been pop star? Yes, I know he was huge at one time. I'm not going to debate his talent here. But are our lives really so pathetic that we need to see every detail of every dead silicone celebrity's life and death, played back and picked apart on national television?

It would appear that they are. It's enough to make you want to kiss a pig and hop in the tanning bed with a double cheeseburger and end it all.