You...the Wife…and The In-Laws

Has anyone besides me ever wondered why there is a "Mother's Day" but not a "Mother-in-Laws Day?" It can't be because your in-laws don't rate a "special day". Lord knows, every day with my mother-in-law has been a special day. In fact, I often wonder how other husbands the world over rate the relationship they have with their in-laws.

In nearly 21 years of marriage, I would rate the relationship I have with my mother-in-law about a "six." That's not necessarily a good or bad thing. I think even on my best day, my relationship with this woman will still rate a "six." In retrospect, I think a low "mother-in-law rating" has added years to my life and probably prolonged my marriage during the first year or two or three.

The thing is, your mother-in-law is only human. In her heart-of-hearts - and this probably goes for the father-in-law as well - neither parent can accept the fact that their daughter is living with another person, and as such their advice and company is sought out a lot less.

I've tried to figure out why I have such a distant relationship with my mother-in-law. And I've come to the conclusion that it has to do with my own upbringing and that of my wife's. I am not a "here-comes-the-weekend (or any other available period of time) let's-go-visit-your-mom" kind of person. I don't even do that with my own family, so how can I do that with my wife's parents? My wife on the other hand IS a let's-go-visit-mom kind of person. Or rather she used to be. Now it's more a matter of moral obligation because my mother-in-law's husband passed away several years ago. But even early on, I put the brakes on - for example - what had been a cast-in-stone habit of getting together every Sunday with "the family" and eating lunch, dinner and left-overs.

I have noticed over the years that the times my mother-in-law and I got along the best when I was the farthest away. When I was in Korea, we got along splendidly. Same goes when I was in Turkey. When I was in Norway we got along fine. We still got a long pretty well when I was working in Northern Italy and she was in the South and a 12-hour trip separated us. We tended to bump heads when I was in Naples and only abut 4 hours away. I think though, and I've come to learn that many psychologists agree - that putting some distance between a married couple and the in-laws, no matter how painful - is a GOOD thing.

This has proven to be difficult at best, especially since we moved back to our first house. But persistence on my part has paid off and my words of wisdom to my wife, that of "She'll get over it" have proved true to virtually everything that has become a bone-of-contention regarding my mother-in-law over the last 20 years or so.

But I've been fortunate I think. Because I enjoy my mother-in-law. It's just that I enjoy her a lot MORE when I don't see her every day. Getting her to understand that has been a challenge.

The fact that a quick Google search spit out nearly 58,000 links that have to do with mother-in-laws proves to me that I'm not alone.

I've looked at a handful of these links and without even knowing it, my wife and I had put some tried and true in-law rules into practice:

- Communication. This is easier said than done I know. I had to do this one in steps. I had to communicate with my wife FIRST. Had to convince her that I didn't want to schedule my entire life around Sunday get-togethers. Not when all of Europe was lying at my feet. We reached a compromise: we'll visit on the third Sunday of the month or whenever we weren't traveling. And baby, you better believe I made sure we traveled whenever possible. Then I had to convince my wife that we BOTH needed to talk to her mother. I wasn't going to be the fall-guy in this one. Nope, a mother-in-law needs to hear from her own son or daughter. That was painful. But 20 years later no one has slashed their wrists because of a no-show on Sunday's.
- Do not accept gifts. I'm convinced that gifts - I mean BIG gifts like a house, a car or even furniture are examples of "conditional love". They will come back to haunt you. I thank my lucky stars that my wife and I always had this one thing in common. We made do with what we could afford and accepted virtually nothing from either set of parents. I scored a lot of mileage with "You let me marry your daughter and that was more than enough."
- Kindness speaks volumes. I smile whenever possible. I smiled when I told my mother-in-law that we wouldn't compensate for missing Sundays by having lunch with her Monday - Friday.
- Show some interest. I've enjoyed hearing about how my wife's mother walked to school bare-foot in the snow both ways and it was uphill. And I'm sure she was impressed when I told her that it was the same thing for MY parents even though they were brought up in the United States and not Italy.
- Invite Mom out…occasionally. I have invited my mother-in-law out. O-k, maybe she has never felt the urge to go out drinking with me. But I made the effort.

There are no tried and true methods of getting along with your mother-in-law. But I'm pretty sure though that if you don't set up the ground-rules early on, your marriage will be a lot less satisfying.