Youthful Offenders and Mentally Incarcerated Parents

As the number of young people charged with criminal behavior increases and they are incarcerated, so are parents across the U.S. are being emotionally incarcerated. No parent wants to stand by and watch their child being led away in handcuffs to a place that for all we know is a torture chamber. Having a son who was charged as a youthful offender and was incarcerated for 18 months in South Carolina's Youthful Offender Program I know firsthand that the youthful offender is not the only one who serves a sentence. I also came to know that in order to be of any support to my son I had to learn to cope with his imprisonment and not let my emotions and ignorance of youthful offenders rule me. For any parent who is going through this I offer my experience and lessons learned to assist you on your journey through youthful offenders who are incarcerated.

One of the first things I learned was that there would times of anger on both our parts. He would get angry and tell me I didn't do enough to keep him from being incarcerated. He would eventually apologize and tell me he was just having a bad day. I would get angry because I missed him so much and was so scared for his well-being. I learned to understand that his lashing out was just that - lashing out, a way to release. When I would have angry emotions I learned to not write him until they passed - it wasn't going to do him any good to be berated for his youthful mistakes.

On the flip side, I had to learn not to verbally coddle him and tell him that everything was okay. His incarceration was not okay, he was locked up and he needed to realize why and make a resolution to himself to let it be a learning experience and to decide he did not want to be part of the Youthful Offender Program.

Learning was something we both did. Television reality shows and dramas have created a vision of incarceration that makes people shudder - and it well should. However, my son quickly let me know that it was not what we see on television. He was going to school, attending group sessions and was being fed. No, it wasn't steak and baked potatoes or pizza and soda, but it was nutrition and he wasn't hungry. This was something he had to constantly remind so I wouldn't be going over the edge with worry.

Worry was an aspect of my daily life that I had to learn to accept and live with. I couldn't lie in the bed and hope it would all be gone. It was not going away. I had to also live with the fact that other people in my daily life would know my son was incarcerated and that it was not a reflection on me. I felt like a failure as a parent and this did not go away quickly. It was something that would take self analysis to overcome. I also learned that having people to talk to about his incarceration and mine was more helpful than hiding from it.

I also found that there were many other parents who wanted to share their experiences with the prison system. Prison Talk is an online forum that is filled with comments, suggestions, recent news and moral support for parents going through the incarceration process. You can create a screen name and remain anonymous if you desire or you can share your real name with the community. Once a member (there are no fees) you can ask questions or post suggestions. I found this to be a wonderful source of knowledge and comfort.

Finally, don't be afraid to call the institution or program headquarters. In S.C. the Youthful Offender Intensification Program (YOIA) has a program head who is supposed to be able to answer any questions you have. You might have to continue to call until you get an answer but they will help. You are not the offender and you do not deserve to be treated as one. Stand up for your rights as a parent and don't be bullied into feeling like your hands are tied. There is always someone higher in the system to go to, even if you have to go all the way to your state government.

Your child's imprisonment is a two-fold, life changing event for both you and them. Becoming aware of your options and not falling victim to your emotions you can not only go through this event without being emotionally scarred, you can help your child get through it and return to society with a new lease on life.