Zombie Basic Training

Greetings and welcome to Zombie Basic Training where you too can become a functioning member of society despite your current living impaired status. I am your mentor, Ima Guasto; you can just call me Ima. Yes, I am a zombie, but I prefer "living impaired", and as you can see my skin is not peeling, nor is my flesh rotting. In addition, to quell any misconceptions, I do not eat brains '" human or otherwise '" as I am a vegetarian. Okay, let us start with the basics.


Hygiene: Cleanliness is your new best friend as well as rejuvenating skin creams and lotions. If I had only known that Oil of Olay would be so good for a zombie's skin, I would have bought stock, but I digress. Daily showering will help keep down the odor as you grow with age. Bleach does help, I suggest you combine just a few tablespoons to your favorite liquid soap and shampoo. The down side is that your hair and skin will lighten over time. Some of you may prefer the new look and for those who wish to maintain a "healthy glow", there is always spray-on tans. Be careful though when using such products, they can turn you into an unhealthy shade of Dorito orange.


Clothing: Go ahead and continue to wear the same fashions that you enjoy, just keep them clean. I cannot emphasize enough on cleanliness of both person and clothing. I give this as a warning, there is a niche shopping market opening up that claims to help the living impaired such as us. They make claims that they specialize in dirt and smell resistant clothing '" do not buy into it. There is nothing more uncomfortable than wearing dryer sheets in public. Sure, you might smell of freshly laundered clothing, but during the heat of summer, the seams tend to let go and during the rain, the material dissolves. Just use a strong detergent, bleach and OxyClean for your most stubborn stains.


Mealtime: There is a myth that has transcended the beginning of the written word in that the living impaired or zombies prefer to dine on humans, more specifically brains. This is simply not true. Now it is mostly raw foods including meat that will make up the bulk of your diet. As I said before, I am a vegetarian, was before my transformation and will continue to be. If you were a meat eater before your transformation, by all means continue to enjoy that juicy steak, although you will prefer to have it raw. Therefore, my suggestion would be to eat at home or if you have to go out, order just something to drink. Most of the living still have not adjusted to others preferring a raw meat diet. If you enjoyed a wide variety of foods of meat, fruits and vegetables, then continue to do so. Nevertheless, be forewarned, you can still gain weight and it is a lot harder to lose than before.


Exercise: I suggest you take up running. Not purely for the physical euphoric rush that it once gave, but for survival. While most humans have accepted the fact that the living impair living among them, there are a few extremists who will go to great lengths to see that you are permanently dead. Moreover, an out of shape zombie is a dead dismembered zombie. Get a hobby, you now have a lot of time on your hands and idle hands can lead to trouble with the law.


Well, by the clock on the wall we are out of time for the day. I know it is a lot to take in, but baby steps are what it takes. Thank you for your time and our next lesson will be surviving the workplace and whether or not to come out to your boss and co-workers. Stay safe and enjoy your now living impaired status.