Zombie ER

Previously on Zombie ER:

Our hero, Dr. Kenny "Maggots" Levinski has been having a passionate secret affair with Nurse Susie "the Oozy Floozy" Rottenbottom, a mysterious and alluring festering corpse of a girl. During a horrifying Viagra mishap, Dr. Maggot's penis developed sentience and escaped to the countryside where it is relentlessly pursued by FBI agents (played by the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy). It's adventures are dealt with in a spinoff show entitled "Pecker Break." We join the now memberless Dr. Maggots as he examines an earnest young Zombie named Biff who dreams of becoming a professional bowler but keeps losing fingers in the ball holes...

Biff: "...and the extra weight of the fingers shifts the center of gravity, making a 7-10 split impossible!"

Dr. Maggots: "Hmmmm.. the tendons in your hand are decomposing at an alarming rate. I believe the problem is with your diet."

Biff: "But Doc, I only eat gourmet food... celebrities and stuff."

Dr. Maggots: "Who have you eaten recently?"

Biff: "Well, this morning I had Oprah Winfrey for breakfast and yesterday I had Rush Limbaugh for all three meals."

Dr. Maggots: "Aha! There's your problem. The pampered, bovine lifestyle of people like that gives them a very high fat content and almost no nutritional value."

Biff: "..but I only eat the braaiinns."

Dr. Maggots: "Most of the fat is in their brains. I suggest you switch to athletes, perhaps one of the Manning brothers... make it Eli - I have a C-note on the Colts this weekend."

Biff: "Gosh. Thanks, Doc! How can I..."

Nurse Rottenbottom rushes into the room.

Rottenbottom: "Doctor! Come quick! We have a BFG hit in ICU!"

Dr. Maggots: "Damn those space marines!"

Cut to ICU. What's left of a zombie writhes and smolders on a gurney as frantic nurses and orderlies trip over pieces of both the patient and themselves in their panic. Enter Dr. Maggots...

Dr. Maggots: "Dear God! He's lost both his hands! And his ears and nose!"

Orderly: "Uh... he was like that before. He has a dog.."

Dr. Maggots: "Oh. (examines patient) This is bad. His liver is gone."

Rottenbottom: "We'll check the donor list."

Dr. Maggots: "There's no time!"

Heroically, Dr. Maggots reaches into his own gooey abdominal cavity, searching for his liver.

Dr. Maggots: "This should hold him until... WHAT THE..!!?? All right... who's the joker?"

Pulls out rubber chicken. ICU erupts with laughter

Dr. Maggots: "Very funny. Let's be professional, people."

Reaches back into his abdomen, pulls out liver.

Dr. Maggots: "Hey! That's not mine! Oh well... Let's get him to OR. Stat!"

Rottenbottom: "We'll need an anesthesiologist!"

Dr. Maggots: "Who's on duty?"

Rottenbottom: "Dr. Hill."

Dr. Maggots: "'Roadkill' Hill? No! I need someone who can keep their head in the OR. I'm tired of sewing his into patients! You'll have to cover, nurse. Let's go!"

Rottenbottom: "Right behind you, Doctor!"

To be continued...