Zombie Tea Party

The night of Jan. 12, as the Haitian earthquake rumbled, graves all over the southern U.S. and parts of the midwest opened up. The resulting zombies were immediately brainwashed, at least what little brains were left unrotted, by members of the American "Tea Party" movement.

The tea partiers convinced the flesh-seeking zombies that only Democratic office holders could satisfy their thirst for blood. Speciifically an office holder of mixed blood.

What the unsuspecting newly registered zombies didn't realize is that the original "tea partiers" had put these newly undead in their present plight. You see, the economic meltdown of late 2008 resulted in the radical neocons worst nightmare. The election of Barack Hussein Obama, as they like to call him.

Mr. Obama's election in November 2008 and subsequent inauguration as President in Jan. 2009 caused thousands of Republican voters to die and come back as "tea partiers."

Having been in a coma as George W. Bush ran up record deficits with the highest government spending in history, the election of Barack Obama caused the Republican right to die and come out of their graves as the undead.

With their newfound concern for deficit spending and government bailouts, these Tea Party Zombies fed upon the flesh of many previously reasonable people, converting them to the Tea Party "cause."

The signing of the healthcare bill on March 21 was the last straw as healthcare should be restricted in the Zombie Tea Party's view, like an exclusive, elites only country club.

The U.S. should repel "creeping socialism" and return to the good old days of rampant bigotry and chauvinism as they claimed their exclusive God wanted it to be. Socialism being defined by these zombies as anything that doesn't benefit their particular class or group.

Now with their newfound zombie brethren fleshing out the rolls of the Tea Party movement, a groundswell of support was descending on Washington D.C. with many Congressmen and women offering up their own flesh as a sacrifice to the Zombie Tea Party.

"Baaaaaaraaaaack Obamaaaaa is the root of all e-vil" is their battlecry. "Healthcaaaaare is socialism" is another. Unless of course, it's healthcare for zombies, that is. When not painting a Hitler mustache on Obama, these zombies ofter refer to Barack Obama as a "Muslin." Muslin as in a sheet, an item many Tea Partiers have a specific use for, surely.

Zombie Tea Partiers come from all walks of afterlife, according to the group's pamphlets, which are stapled to victim's foreheads after their flesh is consumed. Of course, looking at the spelling on most of the Tea Partiers' signs, there must be no English teachers.

English being the only acceptable language of the Zombie Tea Party, and not just any old English. Good ol' boy English such as "you cain't do that, it'd be bad fer bidness" at that.

Don't expect to see diversity at a Zombie Tea Party rally, by the way. Go to one of their soirees and you will learn the meaning of "White Zombie." That might be better termed a rally. No self respecting Tea Partier would be caught alive using a French phrase. In the view of the Zombie Tea Party, the only good Frenchman is an undead Frenchman.

On March 3, 2010, the Chilean earthquake caused a shift in the Earth's axis. On April 15, April 19th or 20th might have been more appropriate, the Zombie Tea Party will march toward Washington D.C. with the ultimate goal of eating the flesh of every Democratic Congressman and woman in November.

For the Zombie Tea Party's encore, only the flesh of Barack Obama will do. You see, the Zombie Tea Partiers cannot eat the brains of their kind. Starvation is one thing that is not on the agenda of the Zombie Tea Party.