Zombies: Things to Ponder Whilst You Flee!

If you should find yourself in the unenviable position of being chased down by a horde of screaming, bloody zombies you might like to ponder some of the following questions, speculations and ideas to see if any might help you in affecting an effective escape. So for instance, if you find yourself in a shopping mall being chased by hordes of bloodthirsty zombies and you reach the escalator will the zombies stand in a neat cue on the escalator or continue to run after you. If they are polite they will stand in queue on the steps and wait till they have reached the top before resuming the chase. If a zombie's pants start to come undone is he/she going to have the mental capacity to figure that they need to do their pants up or will they just make do, stumbling after you as their high-rider jeans fall around them.

Would a wheelchair bound zombie be able to chase you down in his or her chair? Would they still have the mental capacity to understand pushing the wheels is the only way for them to hunt you down? If you get in an elevator does a zombie have the acuity to push the next button to come after you and would they look to see what floor you got out on. If a Yankee Zombie met a Red Sox Zombie would there be a blood-fight similarly if a West Ham zombie-fan ran into a Millwall zombie-fan would fisticuffs result. If a zombie was an effeminate gay man in life would he still chase you down as a Zombie, but in a kind of gay strut? How do zombies tell the difference between zombies and live people? Why are some slow as molasses and some faster than a whippet on crack. Why can't you have a relaxed zombie, do they always have to have murderous intentions. If you said a Zombie had a beautiful body would they hold it against you? If a zombie was really, like really hot would you still get turned on by her, even if she was trying to kill you?

Do Zombies prefer 'Nike' or 'Reeboks'? Why are zombies fitter and quicker dead than when they're alive? If a zombie was deaf in life would they gesticulate at you using sign language as they assault you? What would a baby zombie do? If there was a Siamese twins zombie would it/they attack each other first. How do zombies get such strong teeth enabling them to bite into people's skulls for the tangy brain tissue within? If a zombie were wearing a backpack when they became infected would they bother to take it off to chase you? Why don't Zombies like normal food? What's with this eating people business? Lastly and perhaps the most unfortunate thought of all, since they are still functioning do they just poop and pee in their respective pants, shorts, skirts etc. Oh dear, why did I have to think of that?

Hopefully you will never have to ponder any of these questions in real life. In the event that zombies ever do actually show up in your neighborhood it is probably more prudent not to sweat the small stuff and just get on with getting the hell out of there!