Z's PICKS: NFL WEEK 1

Alright, people. You can stop pretending to care about your family, friends, lovers, pets, and utterly useless Facebook friends. Why? Because It's FOOTBALL SEASON.

The NFL finally returns tonight, ending 7 months of suffering and feigned interest in life's lesser activities.

America's Sport is back and promises unparalled entertainment this season.

I dare you to look at this list of storylines and tell me that your genitals aren't tingling with anticipation:

- Brett Favre a Viking. Two bitter divorcee grudge matches with the Packers, plus two more chances for the Bears to put him in a body bag. I love it.

- Vick Returns. Anyone who doesn't think Vick deserves a second chance should toss their Bibles into a fire. Right now. America is a nation allegedly built on "Christian values", but we're reluctant to let Michael Vick back into the NFL, even though he has BEEN TO PRISON, and forfeited about Eleventy Billion dollars?

Let's get some things straight here right now. Football fans and PETA types are mutually exclusive. Eagles fans aren't going to trade in their season tickets or stop watching the games because Michael Vick was a degenerate, Herpes-wheeling dogfighter. So what does it say about our country when Eagles fans, the only people vile enough to throw snowballs at Santa Claus, can let Vick move on from his past, but Suzie Q Soccer Mom and losers of her ilk cannot? Clearly these people are just bitter that they weren't born with 4.4 speed and a rocket arm. Well guess what? Neither was I. But I got over it. And that's what we need to do as a nation. Get over the dog fighting. Sure, I've made my fair share of Vick jokes. I even named a fantasy team "Electrocuted Puppies". But the man served his time. Whether he's sincere in his remorse or not, he's been forced to sacrifice more for his mistakes than these people will ever begin to fathom. And the otherwise-fascist NFL Commish let him back in the league. Case closed. It's not like I don't understand your position, Vick redemption-bashers. I do. Puppies are cute, and your lives are pathetic. But get over it. He's back, baby! Bow-Wow-Wow, Yippy-Oh, Yippy-Ay!

- Tweet This: NFL players embroiled in controversy over their Twitter usage. To me, I don't understand the appeal of tweeting as an NFL player. Why waste time tweeting when you can be out breaking the law and plundering groupies?

- CUTLER!!!: My beloved Chicago Bears absolutely fleeced the Broncos in the offseason, trading Captain Neckbeard, Kyle Orton and a couple of draft picks, for Jay Freakin' Cutler. Jay Cutler, 24-Year-Old Pro Bowl quarterback! For Kyle Orton and some draft picks that you may or may not blow? Idiots.

This is better than anything Ghandi's ever done. Definitely. Note: those who know me well enough know my unprintable reaction to the Cutler trade. The rest can e-mail me at: ahzeoli@gmail.com.

- Cut-off Sweatshirt FAIL: Josh McDaniels, former Patriots offensive coordiator/Belichick worshipper takes over as Broncos head coach. What an EPIC FAIL this is shaping up to be. So far, this sleave-less sweatshirt-wearing clown has chased out their 24-year-old franchise quarterback and let his star WR, Brandon Marshall, punk out his entire team without any regular-season consequences. News Flash, McSweatshirt, suspending somebody for the preseason is meaningless. That's like letting a fat kid ignore his broccoli and skip straight to the cake. That kind of leniency doesn't work for fatties, and it won't work the Broncos either. I give them 5 wins, tops. One and done for McSweatshirt.

Hope you enjoyed the foreplay! Now onto the picks:

Thursday:

TITANS +6.5 @ STEELERS

This one comes down to the running game. The Titans are 3-deep with Chris Johnson, a slimmed-down LenDale White, and rookie Javon Ringer. Meanwhile, the Steelers ground attack was ranked 23rd last year. Obviously, the Steelers D is dominant enough to overcome that in most games. But the Titans are one of the few teams that can match the Steelers in defensive execution.

In what could be a playoff preview, I like the Titans, in an upset.

Z's PICKS:

TITANS Cover
TITANS Win
Score: Titans 20, Steelers 16

DOLPHINS +4 @ FALCONS

The Dolphins' tough schedule will drop them back to Earth a bit this season. Are they still good? Yes.

Are they good enough to outscore the Ryan, Turner and Gonzalez show in the ATL? No.

Z's PICKS:

FALCONS Cover
FALCONS Win
Score: Falcons 24, Dolphins 17

CHIEFS +12.5 @ RAVENS

The Chiefs are headed in the right direction, but they still have a ways to go. The Ravens D will take KC to the woodshed, but Balimore's lackluster passing attack will give the Chiefs false hope until the 4th quarter.

Z's PICKS:

RAVENS Cover
RAVENS Win
Score: Ravens 20, Chiefs 6

EAGLES -2 @ PANTHERS

Vick is still suspended for two games, so we won't see much of the Eagles' CopyCat formation (aka, the ironically named "Wildcat" - which is also the mascot of about 100 college teams). But the Eagles won't need it. This team is poised for a big season.

Depsite a two-headed monster at running back with DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, and the league's best pound-for-pound receiver, Steve Smith, Jake Delhomme's ineptitude will doom them to an 0-1 start.

FLY, EAGLES, FLY!!!

Z's PICKS:

EAGLES Cover
EAGLES Win
Score: Eagles 27, Panthers 20

BRONCOS +4.5 @ BENGALS

As a Brandon Marshall fantasy owner and reluctant supporter of Kyle Orton, I hope the Broncos don't completely crap the bed this year. But they might.

Game 1 of the McSweatshirt era begins like the Mike Shanahan era ended: FAIL.

Z's PICKS:

BENGALS Cover
BENGALS Win
Score: Bengals 23, Broncos 14

VIKINGS +3.5 @ BROWNS

Mangini, your quarterback-concealing charade fooled no one. The Browns suck. And they will probably always suck. This line would be higher, if not for the F.I.F. Farve Implosion Factor. Butt Favre could throw 4 picks and it still wouldn't matter. Brady Quinn can sell all the supplements he wants, but the only thing he will supplement on the field this year is abject failure.

Z's PICKS:

VIKINGS Cover
VIKINGS Win
Score: Vikings 23, Browns 10

JETS +5 @ TEXANS

The Jets D is solid, but the Texans have two of the league's most exciting weapons, fantasy stalwarts Andre Johnson and Steve Slaton. These two alone are good for 20 points in this game. Do you really think a rookie QB will top that, in his first start, on the road? Neither do I. This is the year the Texans finally break .500.

Z's PICKS:

TEXANS Cover
TEXANS Win
Score: Texans 27, Jets 16

JAGUARS +7.5 @ COLTS

Tony Dungy is gone, but his system remains. And more importantly, a healthy Peyton Manning remains. The Colts reloaded at running back with solid rookie Donald Brown to complement Joseph Addai, and the Jaguars are starting rookies at both tackles. Over/Under on false start penalties for these rooks at a deafening Lucas Oil Field: 4.5. Take the Colts, and the points.

Z's PICKS:

COLTS Cover
COLTS Win
Score: Colts 31, Jaguars 20

LIONS +13.5 @ SAINTS

Winless in 2008? Check.
Rookie QB on the road in his first start? Check.
Worst franchise in sports? Check.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2009 Detroit Lions!

Z's PICKS:

SAINTS Cover
SAINTS Win
Score: Saints 38, Lions 21

COWBOYS -6 @ BUCS

Expect the Cowoys to regress this year, even though Tony Romo lost 200 pounds in the offseason (Jessica Simpson). Unfortunately for Cowboys fans, he also lost T.O. Now they are left with a less talented malcontent at the #1 WR position, in Roy Williams.

The Bucs still have enough in the tank on defense to cover at home. And if you doubt me, YouTube the highlights of Byron Leftwich being carried down the field by his lineman in between plays in the 2002 GMAC Bowl. You can't coach toughness.

Z's PICKS:

BUCS Cover
COWBOYS Win
Score: Cowboys 20, Bucs 17

49ERS +6 @ CARDINALS

Mike Singletary was a fantastic hire for the 49ers. Unfortunately, they are still stuck with Shaun Hill at quarterback. So they will keep it on the ground as much as possible, with Frank Gore and Glen Cloffee. I think the 49ers ground attack will be enough to keep the Cardinals at bay for the cover.

Z's PICKS:

49ERS Cover
CARDINALS Win
Score: Cardinals 24, 49ers 20

REDSKINS +6.5 @ GIANTS

The Giants' defensive line is an absolute man-force. They will tear through the Redskins like wrapping paper on Christmas morning, and a devastated Redskins Nation will committ collective murder-suicide. Or one can hope.

Z's PICKS:

GIANTS Cover
GIANTS Win
Score: Giants 23, Redskins 13

RAMS +8.5 @ SEAHAWKS

Are the Rams still in the NFL? Could have fooled me.

The Seahawks begin their resurgence behind a rowdy, Starbucks triple venti-trenti-charged home crowd at Qwest Field. Meanwhile, the Rams begin their "Qwest" for 0-16 with a Week 1 spanking.

The SEAHAWKS are your Suicide Pick of the Week.

Z's PICKS:

SEAHAWKS Cover
SEAHAWKS Win
Score: Seahawks 27, Rams 10
SUICIDE PICK: SEAHAWKS

BEARS + 3.5 @ Packers

This is pseudo-journalism, so why even feign objectivity, like real journalists do?

Bear down, Chicago Bears, make every play clear the way to victory;
Bear down, Chicago Bears, put up a fight with a might so fearlessly.
We'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation with your T-formation.
Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you're wearing the crown.
You're the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears, bear down!!!

Z's PICKS:

BEARS Cover
BEARS Win
Score: Good 27, Evil 21

BILLS +10.5 @ PATRIOTS

Tom Brady has returned from the Mouth of Hell to throw 40+ TD passes. The Bills will be powerless to stop him, as are all mere mortals.

Z's PICKS:

PATRIOTS Cover
PATRIOTS Win
Score: Patriots 34, Bills 13

CHARGERS - 9.5 @ RAIDERS

The Raiders are like The Gimp from "Pulp Fiction". The Chargers keep them chained up in their basement, until it's time to violate them again. Sorry, Raiders fans. Bruce Willis ain't walking through that door. Bend over, and assume the position.

Z's PICKS:

CHARGERS Cover
CHARGERS Win
Score: Chargers 37, Raiders 14

That's all for Week 1. Have your own predictions or nasty comments? E-mail me at: ahzeoli@gmail.com